Rotelle with Baby Octopus Sauce

Prep: 20 minutes Cook: 10 minutes
1 green onion
1 1/2 tomatoes
vegetable oil
11 baby octopi, defrosted, de-ink-sacked, and de-brained
oregano
salt & pepper
Parmesan

1. Dice green onion and tomatoes; set aside.
2. Separate baby octopi from purple mass of tentacles. (For defrosting instructions, see "Defrosting Octopus" below.) To do this, grasp each head and gently pull, shaking out bodies until tentacles hang limply below. Untwine straying legs from hands. Lay octopi out on cutting board; exclaim loudly over bizarre appearance, preferably with a roommate. Observe empty eye sockets. Octopi should resemble a cross between Ursula and Marge Simpson.
3. With dull knife, attempt to separate octopus heads from bodies. If correctly done, the texture and squelching noises should make you squirm in disgust. After setting heads aside, lay out the bodies so that they resemble small, indigo-spotted suns. Separate each tentacle; ignore the webbing between each leg, as this will add flavor. Suction cups should occasionally stick to knife. Place separated tentacles with heads.
4. In skillet, heat oil over medium heat. Add onion, tomatoes and octopus. Octopus tentacles should wriggle as if alive, comparable to lizard tails that have been pulled off. Octopus heads should contract, turning themselves inside out. Onions and tomatoes should sizzle quietly like normal food.
5. Cook until mauve-colored sauce forms and bubbles. By this time, tentacles should have flexed and curled into delicate spirals, studded with shrunken suction cups. Undersides should be rosy-taupe, while tops should be indigo. Octopus heads will be pink and gummy, resembling tiny brains; these should be eaten only on a dare.
6. Dig through mostly empty cupboards until interesting spices are found (I discovered one called "oregano"); sprinkle on mixture. Serve octopus over Rotelle pasta with salt, pepper, and Parmesan to taste.
Makes 2 servings